Blog · Future

Direction? I’m Lost

Logging onto Facebook, it only takes 2 minutes for me to scroll through and come to the conclusion that eeeeeeeeveryone has their life together. The funny thing is, I’m sure some people think the same about me. But that’s just so not true and I’m sure the same can be said for the majority of other people.

Social media is great. We can connect with people all across the world, people with similar interests, people we once knew, anyone we want. We can share our thoughts, what we’re up to, anything you want! But the strangest thing about it is that you can filter your life so much that your social media life is almost completely different to your real life. I know, at least, this is true for me. I’ve posted plenty of things that make it look like I have my shit together! The truth is I don’t. And I’ve finally come to accept that.

I don’t disagree with what I said in my “No Qualifications? No Problem” post, but I do think I’m in a very different place than I was when I posted that. To some people, the idea of not having a job (at least not one that lasted longer than a month) for over a year is enviable. I still felt that way until a month ago! Once I finished travelling and ran out of money that fun quickly ended. I’m in England to be with my girlfriend – and no, I don’t regret that decision in the slightest – but I feel like I’m permanently flitting between places, never settling or resting, and not in a fun way. I have a permanent sense of unease.

It’s not just my lack of job or the constant back and forth across England, but the lack of direction in my life that’s causing this unease. What do I want to do with my life? What career path do I want to head down? What do I want to do at university? Do I even WANT to go to university? Yes. No. This. That. I was expected to make this decision along with everyone else at age 15 when choosing GCSE’s. I’m pretty sure EVERYONE sees how ridiculous that is, right? 5 years on and I still have NO CLUE. Where have those 5 years even gone? I’ve done things, lots of things, and of course I wouldn’t change any of it for the world (except that one haircut..) but sometimes on the inside I still feel like that exact same 15 year old girl. I don’t even know how I want my bedroom to look, let alone my future.

It makes me so happy to see all my school friends at university, pursuing their dreams and seeing them get closer and closer by the day. Seeing my girlfriend’s talents grow by the second. How could I not be happy for them? Yes, sometimes I feel more jealous than happy because I just don’t feel like I’ll ever have that. But after talking to anyone, no matter what stage they’re at in their lives, most of the time you’ll find out that they can feel just as lost, just as scared and just as uneasy as someone in a completely different situation. People have told me they’d love to be able to do what I’ve been doing, to be able to do whatever I want and go wherever I want, not being tied down to a job or university course.

The irony! The closer you look, the more you notice that most people are jealous of the things they don’t have, and all it boils down to is embracing what you DO have, what life you’re living, and the fact that you’re lucky enough to have a life of your own at all. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing since coming to this silly conclusion of everyone but me being ok. I’m okay too! I’m lucky! The people I’m surrounded by love me, help me, point out my strengths, help me improve on my weaknesses.

Except a job. I need a job (please)…..

I’m kidding.

Kind of.

 

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